“Times they are a changing” said legendary rocker Bob Dylan way back in the sixties.
For the purpose of this blog, I am using this quote to refer to the modern dating scene which has changed to such a degree that many of us feel like we’ve been left behind and have no idea on how to perform adequately in the online romantic sphere.
Bob Dylan wasn’t, of course, referring to the modern dating scene which although If he was I didn’t know what he was complaining about he was famous and online dating hadn’t even been invented then. I am of course kidding but it’s true that times really have changed and dating in the 2020’s can be a bewildering experience. Nowadays people are not meeting via old fashioned trajectories, anybody desirable has way too many options and some god like online status with an ego to match. Meeting someone in a social setting is now very unusual and the vast majority of couples are meeting via an online dating app. This is a trend that is only set to grow bigger and bigger!
So, I’m babbling on I’m sure you know all about the prominence of online dating. The average guy enters the online world full of optimism! Has a poor start but thinks this is probably normal for the online novice and seeks advice on the web. Boom! He is hit with an overwhelming plethora of crappy advice with conflicting claims and approaches put forward by so called ‘experts’.
So, what are the alarm bells to look out for when seeking online dating advice? In my opinion, as a date coach and online dating expert, the first question you should ask yourself is:
1. Who Is Offering The Advice?
There is a plethora of “pick up artists”, ‘PUA’s’ and ‘approach coaches’ on lurking in the dark shadows of the Internet. These guys are the epitome of geeky. They make a career out of approaching woman in the street attempting to chat them up and get a number. Most fail miserably. The fact these men are basing their career around such a bizarre and socially taboo activity instantly means you need to search elsewhere for your online dating guru.
Let me elaborate.
Online dating is all about perception. I.E. the hazy impression we form about someone from their pictures and profile, and thus fashion sense and lifestyle. Basically, it’s about being cool and normal, adhering to social convention just being the cream of society. In a bar or the street, it may be daring and eccentric but, to take risks often works. This is regrettably not the case with online dating and, to be off the wall, is likely to have a negative effect with the majority of women. When it comes to first impression, give someone a chance to deem you as strange or weird and they will.
I won’t condemn all of these types of coaches but having rubbed shoulders with many in my role as a lifestyle coach I have seen how detrimental their advice can be. A coach who is great at being witty and confident in public may be totally out of sync with fashion, social media and what women regard as impressive online so be careful!
Look for guru’s with real social status and striking Instagram pages. If they have great style, an impressive Instagram following and pictures (despite not being actually famous) and some kind of cool status outside of their work in the dating industry they are likely to have successfully worked their social media to their advantage.
Any Instagram king is going to be very successful on dating apps. They are confident, stylish and know how to resonate with contemporary female desires.
So, in a nutshell look for people with real status and life experience not so-called gurus. I can hear all the regular readers of this blog saying, “Ok Ollie so you mean yourself then?”. Well yes, I am a male model, so I fit the bill but in general I mean guys like me who have already proven their status outside of the dating industry. Check out these other blogs on online dating I wrote if you were sucked in by that outrageous bit of self-publicity!
So, many of my date coaching clients have used apps like photo feeler to assess their pics. Basically, you upload your online dating pics and then choose what sex you would like your pics assessed by. Apparently, a sample group of international women marks you out of ten in different categories like hardworking or handsome. So, I did a little experiment on the said app. We uploaded the dating profiles of 2 male models who obviously do extremely well online and 2 everyday guys who get decent results and 2 guys who are struggling.
It was a complete shit show, the models were averagely rated on their handsome levels despite using photos which have literally gone viral on social media due to the models’ stunning features.
The guys who were struggling in reality got useless praise for stuff like being likeable which is definitely not going to get anyone a date.
The average guys generally got the best results which is proven not to be the case in reality and the overall winner was one of the strugglers who was getting dire results if any online in reality.
The general consensus was an inoffensive and watery overview where everybody ended up with similar fairly positive and totally harmless results. It all felt really fake.
This is a photo taken on my normal iPhone of me on holiday. It racked up thousands of likes on Instagram and has proven highly successful on Tinder and Hinge yet it didn’t fare well on Photofeeler.
Having given it a bit of thought I reckon it is likely to be bots commenting and assessing or a force of woman who are underpaid and churning out complete shit without even looking at the photos. Furthermore, the work force, if real, are likely to be from developing countries and have identities and tastes which are completely alien and irrelevant to the western dating app user. Basically, if you want your pics assessed then you have to ask acquaintances. Yes, acquaintances not close friends! I say this as if you are already struggling online then you probably need to change your fashion style and take some much better pictures posing a bit.
This is a big change and very often seeing you change and project your sexuality makes people who are comfortable with you as there trustworthy, safe buddy and a non-sexual being. You trying to look sexy and get laid simply makes them want to cringe. They aren’t even aware of it but simply cannot perceive you as anything but their boring old buddy or brother and give you advice which fits this stereotype. They are comfortable with the current you. The you who is getting no dates. You do the maths! Instead ask a work buddy you trust but don’t have any emotional baggage with.
Finally, never ever ask an ex or an on off flame. The likelihood is that they will feel threatened and will react negatively.
In conclusion advice out there for the online dater is a mixed bag. I hope these tips on how to cut some of the crap have helped. Be sure to check out blog page for other articles written by myself on all elements of online dating. Furthermore, if you would like to decide whether I am worth my weight in gold check out my personal Instagram: